Someone once told me Harvard is like Brigadoon, the mythical Scottish village that was the subject of the musical of the same name—special, enchanted, and untouched and unsullied by the rest of the world. But a read through the police log reveals a different story, showing that even a community with an educated, affluent populace is not immune to burglaries, larcenies, fraud, alcohol abuse—or domestic violence.

Harvard Police Chief Ed Denmark reports that there were 128 domestic violence cases reported in Harvard between 2006 and 2010. Of those, 32 resulted in arrests. In nearby Bolton, police recorded 57 domestic violence cases in the same period, 28 of those resulting in arrests. And in Groton, police report that 274 cases of domestic violence were recorded between 2006 and 2010, with 47 of those calls resulting in arrests.

While some people might hold on to the notion that domestic violence occurs mainly in cities or low-income mill towns, the Domestic Violence Services Network (DVNS), headquartered in Concord, assures, "Our suburbs are not immune to domestic violence. It is prevalent in all cultures, all communities, and all neighborhoods." In fact, the DVNS is a collaboration of organizations and police departments in some of the wealthiest towns in Middlesex County, among them Acton, Bedford, Concord, Lexington, and Wayland, to name a few. And, according to DVSN Executive Director Jacquelin Apsler, what gets reported to police is "just the tip of the iceberg."

Domestic abuse encompasses a range of behaviors designed to intimidate and control another person, and may or may not include physical violence. According to Harvard resident Dr. Kent Boynton, director of Child Psychiatry at Anna Jaques Hospital in Amesbury, a typical abuser has "an uncontrollable urge to dominate or control behavior, thoughts, and feelings, even in trivial ways." The pattern, he says, extends across all types of domestic violence, including spousal abuse, child abuse, and elder abuse. However, says Boynton, most victims are women.

The National Center for Victims of Crime reports that one in every four women will experience domestic abuse in her lifetime. The U.S. Bureau of Justice estimates that a woman is beaten every 15 seconds in the United States, and says that every day four women die as a result of domestic violence.

The toll of domestic violence

The faceless numbers kept by local, state, and federal agencies belie the devastation that accompanies them. According to the Department of Justice's Office for Victims of Crime, domestic violence is a major contributing factor to other problems that include child abuse and neglect, drug and alcohol abuse, emotional problems, job loss, homelessness, and attempted suicide. The American Medical Association estimates that family violence costs the nation between $5 and $10 billion annually in medical expenses, police and court costs, shelters and foster care, sick leave, absenteeism, and nonproductivity.

The emotional problems spawned by family violence can perpetuate a pattern of abuse. The DVNS says that witnessing domestic abuse has "devastating effects on the social, emotional, and cognitive development of children," and according to a report by the American Psychological Association, a child's exposure to the father abusing the mother is the strongest risk factor for that child engaging in violent behavior during his lifetime.

Boynton has dealt with the collateral damage of domestic violence throughout his career, which extends back to the 1970s. Much of his work at Anna Jaques Hospital, where he heads up a locked-in patient unit for children ages 4 to 17, is dealing with children who have witnessed violence between their parents. "It can influence how they will be as parents, or as girlfriends or boyfriends," Boynton says.

The long-term effects of domestic abuse take their toll on the victim as well. According to Boynton, many victims of domestic violence who have endured repeated episodes of abuse suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Problems could manifest themselves in the form of sleeplessness, depression, anxiety, tearfulness, an inability to relax, and physical symptoms. Victims could have feelings of low self-esteem, self-blame, shame, embarrassment, and hopelessness, and might withdraw from social relationships with others.

However, Boynton says, not all domestic violence situations involve a pattern of abuse. "It could be a one-time event, an extreme reaction to a situation," he says.

Who are abusers?

Asked if someone who has committed an act of violent spousal abuse once is inclined to do it again, Boynton says the key thing professionals rely on in assessing the risk of this is looking at the abuser's history. Has there been a pattern of violence or intimidation?

According to the National Center for Victims of Crime, psychologists say that many abusers suffer from low self-esteem, and that their identity and sense of self are often tied to their partner. Information provided by the Center states, "… if abusers feel they are somehow losing the victim, either through separation, divorce, emotional detachment, or pregnancy … they will lash out."

For someone involved in an abusive relationship, the abuse may be subtle and hard to spot at first. According to the Mayo Clinic, abusers may engage in name-calling and put-downs, and may try to restrict the victim's outside activities—including going to work or school. The abuser may try to stop the victim from seeing family and friends, and may try to control her access to money, how she spends it, and even what she wears. He may act jealous or possessive or accuse the victim of being unfaithful, threatening with violence or a weapon. He may threaten to harm a child or another family member. He may ultimately resort to physical violence, such as hitting, kicking, slapping, or choking, although not all intimidating behavior results in physical abuse. The Clinic says that physical violence typically becomes more frequent and severe over time.

Boynton says that some abusers may be suffering from mental illness, or drug or alcohol abuse. "Some people are more aggressive on alcohol," he says. "In people who have aggressive tendencies, alcohol is 'fuel for the fire.'"

Why women stay

For those who wonder why a woman might stay in an abusive situation, Boynton says the reasons are many. Some women stay because of the children, he says. And income is a big factor. Some women are financially dependent, with no property of their own, and fear a decline in living standards.

"Some women make a mental trade-off between the abuse and their financial situation," Boynton says.

Some women fear the consequences if they leave, worrying that they could be accused by their spouse of desertion, thereby losing custody of their children.

However, some women feel genuinely attached to the abuser, according to Boynton. And some "are convinced," after an apology from the abuser, that it won't happen again. Further, other situations can be a barrier to a woman's leaving. Boynton explains, "It can be complicated if the abuser has a role in society that would make it difficult for the victim to explain the abuse."

According to the Family Violence Law Center in Oakland, Calif., elements of "traditional ideology" can keep a woman from leaving an abusive relationship. Many women do not believe in divorce; women with children may believe that a single-parent household is unacceptable. Some women are socialized to believe they are responsible for making their marriage work.

The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence points to other factors that can keep a woman from leaving such a relationship, including "institutional responses." For example, some clergy and secular counselors may be trained to see the only goal of counseling as "saving" the marriage at all costs, rather than stopping the violence and abuse. Police may treat the violence as a domestic "dispute," instead of a crime. Prosecutors may be reluctant to prosecute cases, and punishment for abusers may be minimal, such as probation or a fine.

Boynton, who has provided counseling services to victims as well as abusers, some at the high end of the socio-economic spectrum, says, "Not every instance of spousal abuse should end in separation or divorce. People can change."

But what if they don't? Domestic violence affects not only those abused, but also witnesses, family members, coworkers, friends, and the community at large. In fact, as stated on the web page of the Harvard Police Department, the existence of domestic violence can be enabled in a community through "acclimation and denial."

How the community can help

Because most spousal abuse happens in the home, there are rarely witnesses outside the family, Boynton says. Community members—friends, family, neighbors, and others—who become aware of abusive situations are often afraid to get involved, but according to Boynton, there are things people can do to help. Most important, he says, is maintaining an open relationship with the victim, so she feels free to talk. Build bridges. "People shouldn't be critical," he says, "saying things like 'you have choices—don't come to me for sympathy.'" Instead, he says, people should become someone the victim can trust, someone who can offer advice on how to get help.

In a case of physical abuse, Boynton says, people should "bear in mind that the victim needs to have a plan to extricate herself from the situation. Just getting a restraining order isn't enough"—it doesn't make a person safe. He adds, "The person has to have a plan related to finances, possessions, and custody and care of the children. She can't 'just leave.'" In situations of imminent harm, he says—i.e., the victim believes she will be attacked—a community member should get the police involved (dial 9-1-1), and help get the victim into a safe environment.

Where to find help

Local clergy and professional counselors can offer advice and guidance to individuals and couples in sorting through abusive situations and perhaps in preventing stressful situations from turning violent. As Boynton points out, people can change. However, if a situation becomes violent, there are resources that can help by providing emergency restraining orders, temporary housing, assistance with child care, and more.

But women in abusive relationships shouldn't wait until things get violent to seek help. The psychological consequences of enduring repeated verbal or mental abuse can be overwhelming as well. Neither situation is one anybody should have to live with—and it can happen here.