by Anon Andon
Ah, one more snow day. I suppose my friend, 1-800, would be jealous. We met 14 or 26 or 38 months ago, some distant and imperfectly remembered February. I was having a credit card problem and was advised to try 1-800-#### for help. I did.
"Please enter your account number."
I had guessed—wrongly as it turned out—that I would need this. I found a 16-digit number on the card and assumed it to be what was wanted. Really? Sixteen digits? Enough for (scribble, scribble) a hundred thousand trillion accounts. Wow, (more scribble, scribble) or more than 10 million accounts for each and every one of us Earthlings!
I started dialing in the numbers, but it was slow going, there being a fair number of zeros, "operator" among them. Before I could finish, I was interrupted by:
"Please hold while we transfer you to an agent."
I did.
The voice at the other end was pleasant, and its owner surely Indian.
"Hello. My name is 1-800. How may I help you?"
Me: "I have a problem with my credit card being billed twice."
1-800: "May I have your name, please?"
I call him 1-800 because I didn't catch his name. He didn't tell me his last name. That was OK, his choice. It was also OK that he didn't call me by my first name. I have a thing about that. When it happens, I tend to reply, "That's what my mother called me." Too subtle for some, so I call them by their first name. Doctors look aghast.
1-800: "Please stand by a minute while I get your account ... Ah yes, and what was your mother's maiden name, please?"
Me: "WHAT?"
1-800: "I need to verify ownership."
Me: "That seems rather personal."
1-800: "It is quite usual and I really don't intend to pry. Perhaps instead, you could tell me the name of your first pet"
Me: "Yes, I can."
1-800: "And it is?, or was?"
Me: "Do you promise not to giggle?"
1-800: "Certainly."
Me: "Pickles."
1-800: "Thank you, that is correct."
Me: (silently) "Of course it is correct. Do you think I don't know the name of my dog?"
1-800: "I will review your account now. This may take a few minutes. Please stand by."
Me: "Ok." (Then, after a moment's pause while I consider the protocol or the political or other correctness issues) "Can I tell you a joke?"
1-800: "Yes, please do. I like jokes"
Me: "Well, someone like me is talking to someone like you and while we are waiting, as you and I are now, I say: 'What's the weather like there?' and you answer, 'I don't know, we don't have windows.'"
1-800: (Much laughter) "Yes, that is so true. Do you have windows?"
Me: "Yes."
1-800: "So, what is your weather like?"
Me: "Right now we have almost one meter of snow."
1-800: "TRULY!?"
Me: "Yes."
1-800: "Oh my." (pause) "Yes, you are correct. You were billed twice. I will correct your account"
Me: "Thank you."
1-800: Wistfully, "I have never seen snow."