Directed by: Robert Schwentke
Starring: Bruce Willis, Mary-Louise Parker, Karl Urban, John Malkovich, Morgan Freeman, Helen Mirren
Rating: PG13

Bruce Willis (left) and Mary-Louise Parker star in Red. (Courtesy photo)

Given the fiasco that was The Expendables, I feel a little daft for returning to the theaters for Red, a.k.a. "Old People Reliving the Glory Days, Part 2." This time, though, the heroes are a little older, a little more tired, and a little more … suburban?

Red's leading retiree is Frank Moses (Bruce Willis), a lonesome former CIA special agent who lives in a picture-perfect little town. He passes the time by talking on the phone with a government pension worker, Sarah (Mary-Louise Parker), and reading trashy romance novels that she recommends to him. After an attempt on his life, though, Frank realizes that he and his retired buddies are in grave danger. The solution, then, is to kidnap Sarah (it's for her own good) and then get the "old gang" back together to take out William Cooper (Karl Urban), the CIA agent who's hunting them down. Frank goes and finds pals like the loony and trigger-happy Marvin (John Malkovich), the old folks' home resident Joe (Morgan Freeman), and the elegant suburbanite Victoria (Helen Mirren). Together they must defeat Cooper—and find out why he's after them in the first place.

Unfortunately, we have another case of a schlocky script getting dumped on classic actors, in Red. Screenwriters Erich and Jon Hoeber (Whiteout) have produced a script full of clichés and corny jokes; the predominant feeling that comes across to the audience is the actors' embarrassment in saying their lines. I could almost mouth out the words as the actors spoke them because everything—the jokes, the plot structure, even the serious conversations—was completely predictable. What's worse, director Robert Schwentke (who directed Flightplan, another "action" movie without much action) seems to have decided he didn't need to direct the experienced actors. It is as if he turned the camera on and thought, "Well, it's Morgan Freeman, so whatever he says is golden." Schwentke's vision for the movie is trite in its postcard-themed transitions and pseudo-Mission: Impossible progression. By the end, the audience is just confused—we're not sure anymore who the bad guy is, or if there even is one. And it's not the thought-provoking type of confusion; it's just a poorly written script with cheesy direction.

I wish I could say that the actors do what they can with what they've been given, but they all seem to realize that it's probably not worth the effort. It's a shame to see Morgan Freeman (The Shawshank Redemption) and Bruce Willis (Pulp Fiction) acting like they've returned to their middle-school acting class. It's downright annoying to see Helen Mirren (The Queen) calling John Malkovich (Being John Malkovich) an idiot in a generic, exasperated voice. Malkovich, meanwhile, needs no help acting out the role of the lunatic. Karl Urban (The Bourne Supremacy) and Parker (TV's Weeds) do add a little youthful energy, and Parker does a wonderful job of not looking a day over 30 despite really being in her mid-40s. But somehow this group of great actors has given a bland, halfhearted performance; the 93-year-old Ernest Borgnine (Marty) is livelier in his cameo than most of the Red team is throughout the film.

To be fair, it is an entertaining movie. Or, at least, it isn't boring; it keeps moving at a good pace. The plot of Red is predictable, even boring, but I can't say if that's the movie's fault or if modern movie audiences just expect more. This movie does have all the right elements—good guys, bad guys, distinct characters, jokes, love, explosions. They're all just done to an unsatisfying degree, and then the picture is sharpened to make Bruce Willis's head look sculpted in its baldness. For my part, though, I'm just disappointed because it's billed as a comedy, but fails to deliver any laughs. Whatever it is that makes this movie feel like something is off, there is at least one message: there must be better ways for older actors to prove that they're still alive than making an action movie.

Danny Eisenberg is a 2010 graduate of the Bromfield School
and is currently a student at the University of Pennsylvania.