Directed by: Scott Stewart
Starring: Paul Bettany, Lucas Black, Kevin Durand, Charles S. Dutton, Tyrese Gibson, Willa Holland, Adrianne Palicki, Dennis Quaid, Jon Tenney, Kate Walsh
Rating: R

Paul Bettany stars as the angel Michael in Legion. (Courtesy photo)

I was 7 years old when the movie Salem’s Lot first aired on television. Many of my friends saw it and talked about how amazing and scary it was. There were two scenes in particular they spoke of with shivering reverence. Over the next few years the movie came to define terror for me, and when I finally saw it at age 9 it was only because I was sleeping over at a friend’s house and had no choice. Man, was Salem’s Lot a snooze. The two scenes in question were wonderfully scary, living up to their billing. But I was stunned to discover that those four minutes were the only worthwhile moments in the entire thing.

I thought back to Salem’s Lot while watching Legion on its opening weekend. You see, Legion allows lots of time for reminiscing about childhood—or anything else that might cross your mind. I wish there were an official trailer-to-film gauge that could tell you what percentage of a movie’s best moments are in the trailer. Legion comes as close as any movie I can remember to scoring a perfect 100 percent. I was genuinely excited after seeing the trailer, with the shots of the demonic old lady crawling across the ceiling, the scrawny ice cream man elongating like a giant spider crab, and the noble Paul Bettany as a monotone angel come to save humanity from extermination. With moments like that, just imagine what the rest of the movie could offer! Conversation, it turns out. Endless two-person scenes of stultifyingly bad dialogue. For a movie that promises this much death and destruction, Legion is riddled with bathroom breaks. It quickly reaches a point where you know it’s not going to get good, and you start hoping it will actually get worse—outdo itself. Legion delivers, over and over, proving to be that rare cinematic treat—the movie that is so bad, it’s fun.

Bettany plays the angel Michael, cast out of heaven because he won’t contribute to God’s planned extermination of the human race. He makes his way to a remote diner in the California desert. There, eight people have unknowingly gathered for what will be their last night on earth—unless they can fend off an army of possessed humans and the particularly martial angel Gabriel (Kevin Durand). The key is Charlie (Adrianne Palicki), eight months pregnant with a child she doesn’t want. According to Michael, that child must be kept alive for mankind to have a chance. The other key is Jeep (Lucas Black), willing to love and protect Charlie and the baby even if they don’t love him back. That doesn’t sit well with Jeep’s crotchety father Bob (Dennis Quaid). The other poor souls are Percy the one-armed cook (Charles S. Dutton); Kyle (Tyrese Gibson), a former troublemaker on his way to win back his son; and the dysfunctional Anderson family—shrill mom Sandra (Kate Walsh), defeated dad Howard (Jon Tenney) and rebellious teen daughter Audrey (Willa Holland). Now see if you can guess whose going to survive. Here’s a clue: anyone who wouldn’t seem to fit in a manger is probably in trouble.

Director Scott Stewart, a longtime visual effects artist, and his cowriter, veteran editor Peter Schink, look like nice guys. Both have made meaningful contributions to many good movies. But they must take the blame for this travesty. The technical basics are missing—good lighting, competent pacing. The story issues are worse. Most of the characters have no business being in this story, so far removed are they from its already simplistic theme. As for the dialogue, I can only think the pair tried to make the humans sound as dumb as possible so the angel conversations might come across asremotely intelligent. They don’t. Also, don’t try to follow the rules of this apocalypse, because there is no consistency to speak of.

It’s surprising to find such a high-caliber cast in a film of this ineptitude. The only question is who escapes with their dignity intact. Bettany does, playing Michael with such cold, rakish authority I’d actually welcome a sequel if it were put in surer hands. Kate Walsh (Private Practice) manages to find humanity in her standard-issue whiny rich mom. Willa Holland and the gradually improving Tyrese Gibson (Transformers) also come out okay. The big losers include Dutton, whose very worst tendencies are let loose here; Quaid, who seems to have chosen post-stroke Anthony Hopkins in Legends of the Fall as his model; the lovely Palicki, so tough yet vulnerable on TV’s Friday Night Lights, but utterly helpless here to sell the movie’s worst lines; and especially Lucas Black, an actor I thought was on his way to true leading-man status after his powerful work in the film version of Friday Night Lights. Black’s low-energy, humorless work robs Bettany of any chance to save the movie, never mind its inhabitants.

Legion will undoubtedly have its fans, most of them barely into their adolescence. Maybe it will achieve cult status—it’s that kind of bad. With all those talking scenes, maybe they were preconceiving the film for high school theater productions? That might be the version of Legion to hold out for.

Alex Manugian lives in Sherman Oaks, Calif. He grew up in Groton and has reviewed movies for Harvard readers for many years.