by Joan M. Shulman
Thoughts from a life coach
I’ve always disliked the cliché “Some people have all the luck.” It insinuates that for a select few, good fortune simply drops down from the sky. The last time I looked, unless you’ve just won the lottery, a lot of hard work, self-direction, and planning have something to do with success. Another thing about luck: it’s about as reliable as the stock market. Of course, success can mean different things to different people. I like to define success less by material possessions than by the level of satisfaction we feel about relationships, work, and everyday life.
Do you ever wonder why life seems to come so easily to some, while others struggle just to get from one day to the next? Chances are those upbeat, self-confident people weren’t born with the “lucky” gene. My guess is that someone in their early lives believed in them, told them that if they wanted something badly enough, they had the power to make it happen. At some point Grandma, Dad, or Auntie Beth had the smarts to convince them they could do no wrong, that they could get out there and “take the bull by the horns,” “show ’em what you’ve got,” “make it happen.”
When I was growing up, my parents raised their daughters to be, well … happy. A lofty goal, yes, but life doesn’t thrive on happy alone. What happens when life throws you unhappy? Does that mean everything you’ve worked toward is a total failure? It sounds like a set-up to me.
While many of us may have been encouraged by our families to succeed, the slightest twinges of doubt or insincere inflections in their voices are what we internalized. Often the messages are subtle, hidden in such comments as, “Honey, people will like you so much better if you smile more often.” Translation: expressing your true feelings is just not that attractive. And, there’s nothing quite like a backhanded compliment from Great Aunt Ethel to make you feel like you can conquer the world; “You look so much thinner in person than you do in your photographs!” But here’s the good news for all of us: Our negative self-talk is just that … talk. There’s really no truth to it, especially since it likely originated from someone else’s projection.
There is one population that seems to defy this phenomenon. It’s the only explanation I have for meeting so many life coaches who are marathon runners. Tall, short, fat, thin … life coaches run marathons because they see no reasons not to. None of those self-limiting beliefs or projections is going to stop them. I have never met a group of people more motivated to live their truth and who genuinely want the same for their clients.
We have the power to change the very messages that define us and keep us repeating the same mistakes over and over. In my practice, I wanted not only to make my clients believe they could change the way they see themselves, but also, with their permission, I wanted to witness the transformation, step by step. I wanted more than a 50-minute session hearing my clients spin their wheels. I wanted to see them shed their negative self-talk and patterns from the past, uncover the passions lying dormant, and take action steps toward “making it happen”, “showing ’em what you’ve got,” “taking the bull by the horns.”
Here is what I truly believe about humans … we all hold the answers. We are all naturally creative and resourceful. Sometimes the resources are hidden, veiled in the self- doubts we’ve internalized. What if you could peel back the layers and expose the true passion? What if we weren’t so consumed with what we should be “doing” with our lives, but opened our hearts to the doing of life? That’s a goal well worth the effort. Let me assure you, luck will have little to do with getting there.
Joan Shulman, M.A. is a therapist, life coach, and a resident of Harvard. She can be reached at joansh@charter.net or 978-621-3680.