Like all major life transitions, moving presents challenges and opportunities. The best way to make the move a positive one is to acknowledge both. Recognizing the challenges allows us to problem-solve and address them; identifying the opportunities allows us to turn stress into excitement.
The central challenge of any move is that changing to a different house and community suspends our familiar patterns and the automatic ways we tackle everyday tasks. Even making breakfast becomes something we have to think about because all our utensils are in new locations.
This is stressful because the familiar patterns of our lives are what create our comfort zone. Familiar patterns include being able to reach for a tool or an item of clothing without having to stop and think, “Now where did I put it?” It includes having a sense of what to expect as we go through the day, such as whom we are likely to see on our way to work or school, or what traffic patterns we might encounter on our commute. It includes the ease with which we plan our day, too, because we know where to buy what, the time it takes to get from on place to another, and so on. Familiarity with these and other seemingly trivial matters forms the basic texture of our daily life. It makes us feel safe because we also feel competent. In a new house and community, there is a lot of promise, but we can take nothing for granted. We have to re-create our comfort zone. Without it, everyone feels off their game, and tempers flare easily.
On the other hand, this suspension of familiarity is what opens the door to new possibilities. In a familiar home and community, we have the tendency to do what we’ve always done the way we’ve always done it. We even put up with irritating details because it doesn’t occur to us to address them. The new house is free of these negative patterns. It gives us the chance to redesign how we run our home life to achieve a better match with what feels right for us. Likewise, the new community offers new resources, or at least the chance to finally take advantage of opportunities we ignored before in favor of our established habits.
Recognizing both the challenges and the opportunities inherent in moving into a new house and new community helps us sketch a three-step approach to making the most of the change.
To be safe and effective, we all need some degree of familiarity with the environment. So the first step in a new home is to set up the key areas to create a sense of familiarity. Shelter and food are the stuff of survival, so pay attention to those first. Have a plan for how you are going to manage meals for the first several days. For your first night in the new house, set up places to “take cover.” For children, set up their bedrooms with a few of their “comfort things”—a special pillow, the favorite toy or poster, the familiar blanket. Do the same for pets, but include their food and water bowls. That will give them a place in which to “take cover” from the newness of it all. Take the time to do the same for yourself: you too will need a personal corner to regroup.
Our personal well-being depends on feeling competent. So whether you’re by yourself or with your family, it is important to make a first pass at the kitchen to make sure you can function for the first week. Do the same things for clothes, school, and work items.
Next, take stock of the possibilities. Presumably, you chose to move to the house and community you did because something there appealed to you. Take the time to tell yourself what that something is—the country setting, the privacy, the activities possible there; or the quality of the spaces in the house and the grounds; whatever it is. Now let your imagination suggest how you might use it—over time—to get the most out of your new situation. If you have children, make time to help them discover the possibilities. Engage them in exploring the area—your own property, the immediate surroundings, then the trails, the pond, the beach, and so on. The schools will help you with the children’s discoveries. Share your imaginings with your friends and family, and let them share their own. Interests and wishes will emerge, and from wishes will come a plan.
Now start planning. Consider two things: 1) what you want to change in your old life pattern, and 2) what you want to add. Your comforts and discomforts in your new place will tell you what you need to tweak. Pay attention to how you feel about the current use of space and time. Your physical environment is yours: make it fit your personal needs and tastes, and those of the rest of the household. Your use of time needs to take into account both the practicalities (maintenance, making a living, and the like) and the intangibles that support your well-being.
Finally, it is very important that adults build in their regular “couple time.” Leisure time often gets bumped to the bottom of our list of priorities. Rename it “recreation” and its importance becomes obvious. Provided that they are chosen according to what has meaning for the individual person, leisure activities, whether sports, personal interests, meditation, or social activities, are what allow us to recharge our energy and refuel our being. None of us can run on empty. If people feel drained, they have nothing to give others. To feel vital and emotionally available, you must take time to recreate yourself daily. Your planning in your new home offers you the opportunity to create the life pattern that is best for you and your loved ones.
Dr. Francesca von Broembsen of Still River Road is a psychologist in private practice in Concord. She specializes in self-development and life coaching. Readers can ask von Broembsen a question for a later column by sending an email to features@harvardpress.com.