While full-blown contempt is an attitude we seldom own up to nowadays, even to ourselves, its seeds are present in many of our private thoughts and behaviors. Every time I think of someone who has done something to irritate me as “that idiot,” I am on the road to contempt.

A typical trigger for me for this response is the driver who cuts in front of me in traffic. I am well aware that more accurate assessments might be: “He or she is in a greater hurry than I,” or “That’s a hazardous thing to do,” or even “That is discourteous driving.” Yet my instinctive reaction is to the offensiveness of that behavior, as well as to the potential danger implicit in pushy driving. Therefore, my “that idiot” is an emotional protest against the disregard of my presumed right to use the road in peace, as much as against that perceived threat.

The Oxford and the Webster dictionaries define contempt as “the act or mental attitude of despising,” and despise is defined as “regard as inferior or worthless.” Webster’s, however, adds other significant dimensions, including: “to think of a person as objectionable, reprehensible, discreditable, disgraceful…a nuisance.” Clearly, in any social situation, there are many potential triggers for us to indulge in contempt.

Typically, the things that stir us to contempt have to do with some aspect of belief or behavior in the other that disrupts our sense of familiarity with what is accepted as “good” or “proper” in our community.

It is important to remember that what is considered good and proper is to a large extent culturally determined. One’s comfort zone depends on the community’s shared consensus as to what “the good” is. Whatever falls outside that definition strikes us as “weird,” suspect, or a potential threat, giving rise to the two main internal sources of contempt—fear and arrogance. Fear responds to the perceived threat. Arrogance fosters in us a “knowing” of what is best, not only for ourselves, but for others as well—both individuals and cultures. Anyone with opposing views must inevitably be either ignorant or evil.

Contempt is harmful both to the person who entertains a contemptuous attitude, and to the objects of contempt. Contempt breeds contempt, creating a vicious feedback circle of mutual devaluation, mistrust and hostility. Contempt can erode the other’s self-esteem, stirring up rage and hatred. It promotes in the other a perception of threat to well-being, and so puts that person, nation, or culture on the defensive. These dynamics are at the base of most inter-group hatred and violence. The dead-end cycle of mistrust and alienation frequently expresses itself in the bewildered question: “Why do they hate us so much?”

The alternative to contempt is a healthy relativity.

We are completely justified in defining ourselves and living by our own values, expressed by quiet and secure self affirmation. If I feel my choice is right for me, I do not need to shout it from the rooftops, or cram it down the throat of my neighbor. I can let my neighbor find out what is right for him or her. If, in the process, my neighbor unintentionally or deliberately trespasses on my right to affirm my own values, I can push back and set the necessary limits without devaluation or acrimony.

A second aspect of healthy relativity is an awareness that there are probably many legitimate ways of doing things. If my neighbor and I go about the same task in two different ways, and I think mine is better, I can certainly offer my way as an alternative; I don’t have to prescribe it, enforce it, or to claim that it is only sane way.

Critical to healthy relativity is the underlying attitude of what we do. If I refrain from preaching or teaching and I simply offer, but my private thought says that I have to jolly the benighted sods along to get them to see the light, my open-mindedness will not be genuine and will carry no credibility.

Let us remember that the best self protection comes from staying centered in one’s own experience. If a world view or a code of behavior does not seem right for you, by all means decline to embrace it, but refrain from branding it as contemptible. By all means, take pride in what you are, and strive to live by your own values. Just give the other guy a chance to do the same.