With Christmas just around the corner, it is time to give some thought to gift-giving. People can get pretty stressed out about it—both the giving and the receiving. The right gift from the right person can make for a very happy Christmas. The wrong gift, or the absence of a longed-for gift, can hurt deeply. The intrinsic value of a gift, its power to delight or distress, has to do with the subjective meaning of the gift within a given relationship.
Take, for example, a simple bunch of flowers. I can buy one for myself any day while I shop at Idylwilde. When I buy it for myself, it’s just something of beauty I enjoy. If someone else surprises me with a bunch of flowers, it has a completely different impact: it conveys to me that the giver values me as a person.
That is the key point in gift giving: your gift expresses how much and in what ways you value the person you give the gift to. The value of the gift lies not in its cost, but in what went into its choice.
The kind of gift that brings tears of joy to the eyes is one that shows that the giver is in tune with what is meaningful to the receiver. It shows that the giver has paid enough day-to-day attention to that person to have noticed and remembered interests, tastes, preferences, and wishes. It shows that the receiver is important to the giver, that he or she matters. The gift that hurts is the off-hand, last-minute thing, or, worse, one that disregards the receiver’s sensibility and values. The worst gift I ever heard of was the gift of an expensive baby-seal coat given by a husband to his animal-activist wife.
When deciding on a gift:
- Don’t give a gift because you want it. Example: you’ve been wanting a new TV, so you give it to your spouse for Christmas.
- Don’t give a gift that is a hint. Example: You wish your husband would mow the lawn more regularly, so you buy him a lawn mower.
- Don’t give a gift that says: “I’m disappointed in you,” or “this is the kind of person I’d like you to be.” For example: High-heeled shoes for a tomboy daughter.
- Don’t give a gift that says you value the role rather than the person. Example: if a member of your family happens to be into gourmet cooking, by all means give him or her that new gadget he/she has been talking about. But don’t give the family’s primary homemaker a new Cuisinart when the old one is wearing out. Your gift will say you value the cook, not the person who, among other interests and responsibilities, also happens to cook the family meals. By all means, buy the gadget that can make that task easier. It will show your consideration. But don’t pass it off as a gift.
- Don’t give a gift that says you couldn’t be bothered. Last-minute gifts and gifts that disregard who the person is say that you are willing to give money, but not willing to give of yourself.
The thing to remember with the DON’Ts is that people—both children and adults—feel the message implied in the gift, even if it is unintentional, even if they can’t recognize it in words. DON’T gifts are hurtful.
One more caveat: be careful with joke gifts. They have their place, especially in the intimacy of family and old friends. They can recall the private joke that arose from shared experience. But they are risky too. A joke may remind the receiver of an old embarrassment, or of a personal flaw or shortcoming. And family jokes are usually enjoyed a lot more by the bystanders than by the person whose mishap gave rise to the joke. Make sure that a joke gift is generously balanced by other gifts that show you value the receiver.
And now for the DOs. If you can make something that fits the personality of the receiver, do. Nothing says you care more than the gift of the time spent in making a highly personal present, no matter how little it costs.
The question is, how do we learn what is meaningful to the people we choose to give gifts to? By paying attention day by day during our shared existence. What brings a smile, or a frown, to your spouse’s face? Or to your child’s, or to your friend’s? What makes him sad, what energizes, what prompts an affectionate gesture towards you? What sort of things does that person choose for himself? What are his dreams? How does he see himself, what does he like about that intimate image, what makes him uncomfortable? A person’s intimate reality inevitably manifests itself in what he does, in how he or she behaves. Pay attention—to a person’s choices, to what he avoids, to his moods, to his body language. You will learn to know that person. And that will tell you what gifts will please and which will hurt.
Dismayed by all this? Too late now for this Christmas? Cheer up. You can begin to address the problem with your New Year’s resolutions: To pay attention. To tune in. Try all year, and I guarantee you’ll be a far more successful gift giver next year, and you and your loved ones will have the merriest Christmas of your lives.