Over the last 50 years parents and educators have been taught that it is essential to build a child’s self-esteem, a factor they believe is critical for children to fulfill their potential and be happy.
In the past 30 years psychology practitioners have worked hard to devise therapeutic methods designed to foster self-esteem. Even military and corporate leaders have heard that message. In both fields, it has led to a radical revision of the principles of people management. Consider for instance the military slogan: “Be all that you can be—in the Army.”
Yet, recent outcome studies in education, mental health, the correctional system, industry, and the military are alerting us to hazardous pitfalls in the enterprise of self-esteem building. The danger is that, in the effort to build someone’s self-esteem, we inadvertently bring forth its pathological underbelly.
Self respect, satisfaction, and confidence in oneself define the self-esteem of the well-adjusted person. However, one’s good opinion of oneself can create a personality people perceive as arrogant, “touchy,” conceited, or entitled—qualities that typify a variety of personality dysfunctions ranging from pathological narcissism, to sociopathy, psychopathy, and paranoia. Pathological entitlement expects respect, esteem, and benefits to be delivered without having been earned. Entitlement is nurtured by unearned or untruthful praise.
Self-esteem becomes a hazard to both the individual and the community when it is not grounded in reality. When I tell someone who is bungling: “You are doing great,” my intent may be to foster his or her self-esteem, but in reality I am misleading him. As a result, I am confusing him about both his personal merits and about the standards he has to meet in order to earn acceptance and success in the world. I am teaching that person to expect praise or rewards where none is due. I am priming him for entitlement.
As an example, a child in school may be struggling with math. He works hard at his homework, but gets the answers wrong. He deserves an ‘A’ for effort. But his homework might only merit a ‘D’. Giving him any grade higher than justified by the quality of his homework will only confuse him. What will help him is further assistance with the subjects or tasks that are giving him trouble. Once he understands what the task involves, he will be helped if the teacher or parent points out any part of the task he had previously done right (acknowledging real achievements), then clarifies where and how he went wrong (helping to recognize errors, and to develop alternate approaches.) And, finally, he would benefit from the chance to do an equivalent task correctly, in order to be allowed to erase the earlier poor grade. In addition, he might be praised, or even rewarded with a school prize, for his perseverance. Such an approach makes the child feel accepted, acknowledged, supported, and grounded in reality.
Recent outcome studies from a variety of settings are pointing out that while self-esteem boosts other personality qualities, it is not an index of either competence or moral qualities. Thugs—from school bullies, to child abusers, criminals, and psychopaths—typically do not display poor self-esteem. On the contrary, they typically hold on to an inflated image of themselves, and frequently delude themselves into thinking that others admire them.
The damage done to a person by helping him feel self-satisfied in a vacuum can have far-reaching effects, especially for a child. It prevents the child from developing an accurate judgment of his own resources and of reality; it discourages the tolerance of frustration and perseverance in the face of difficulties; it encourages dependence on external sources of praise. It teaches the child to make excuses for his failures and to blame others for his disappointment. It discourages developing responsibility for one’s choices, actions, and failures. It fosters entitlement, and a chip-on-the shoulder attitude.
If a child is learning to play tennis and misses a ball, or has an off day, healthy self-esteem-building phrases might be: “That was a hard ball to get” (if it’s true); or “You tried hard!” (praises the effort); or “Never mind, it happens to all of us! Next time, try that kind of ball this way” (comforts the child; hints at the learning curve; shows the child how to read and play that particular type of ball). Unhealthy self-esteem-building might result in comments like, “That ball was too fast, or too short, or too long,” blaming the ball and not the player’s lack of skill.
This doesn’t mean that parents and educators should stop trying to build kids’ self-esteem for fear of creating a monster. But it pays to be quite clear about the distinction between healthy self-esteem and its dysfunctional cousins, arrogance and entitlement. Healthy self-esteem rests above all on a sound sense of proportion. William James defined it as “the ratio of genuine accomplishment to pretension or exaggerated self-promotion.”
Parents should not lie to children to make them feel better. Studies have shown that children lose respect for, and credibility in, parents as a result of well-intentioned lies.
According to the June 2007 issue of the Harvard Mental Health Letter, “even young children are suspicious of vague and generalized praise, corresponding to global self-esteem,” since they feel it implies they need encouragement because they are inadequate.
The best way to ensure a person’s well-being is not to focus on raising his self-esteem artificially, but to help him develop the internal and external competencies that support genuine self-esteem because they are grounded in real personal effectiveness. Internal competencies include both the assets of emotional intelligence and those of the cognitive brain. External competencies have to do with practical and professional skills, from tying your shoe laces to brain surgery.
Unhealthy self-esteem-building practices tend to praise globally or indiscriminately or model making excuses to deny one’s failures. Healthy self-esteem building acknowledges real assets and real challenges and points the way to recognizing deficits and developing skills. In short, healthy self-esteem is grounded in reality—the reality of what is now, and the real possibility of improvement.
Dr. Francesca von Broembsen is a psychologist in private practice in Concord. She specializes in self-development and life coaching. Readers can ask Dr. von Broembsen a question for a later column by sending e-mail to features@harvardpress.com.